I joined an eating disorder forum today and had to make an introductory post. I thought I would share it on my blog in case anyone was at all interested in who I am/where I’m at.
My name’s Kylan (but not really) and I’m from Ontario, Canada. I’ve been eating disordered for about 8 years. I’ll be 22 in April. Gosh, does time fly. When I was 15 I was diagnosed with anorexia. I stand at 5’8” and my lowest weight was 98lbs when I was 16.
When I was 18 I fell inlove with my (ex) fiance and started to recover. I never could eat normally though, and identified best with EDNOS. I adopted a bad binging habit when I was with him. I have a tendency to cycle between two extremes now: Binging and fasting. My real goal is to stop that cycle, and settle into a more normal way of eating. However, with that said, I still want to be thinner. Obsessively so. I weigh 126lbs right now, and would like to be 110 and maintain that with relative contentment. However, sometimes I think I want to be 98lbs again. I’m sure you know how it can change from day to day.
In addition to my eating disorder, I’m also severely depressed. In the last year, I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts almost regularly. I’m quite disturbed, and my mind is starting to slip into some form of psychosis from time to time. Sure, I have my days of clarity…like right now (I think), but those days are lessening I find. I’m slightly clairvoyant, very spiritual, and on the cusp of either brilliance or total madness.
I have multiple sclerosis (or maybe fibromyalgia, but I do have white matter lesions on my brain), so I’m in a lot of physical pain regularly, and I also have a degree of kidney failure which has to be monitored. I’ll admit, I don’t monitor it unless I’m dragged to get my bloodwork done. Which seldom happens because noone but my Mother really knows about it, and she told me only yesterday that I should “just die already.” (Heh) Most of the time, I wish for it to kill me. I just want the pain, physical and otherwise, to stop. It’s that simple.
Aside from all this, I work as bartender, and a struggling freelance writer. I maintain a very convincing and elaborate facade in my ‘real life’. I’m known as that “pretty” gamer chick, or writer, usually. I’m inlove with a semi-succfessful musician now and have been for a year now. I’ve been a close friend of his since I was 16, before his success. We were openly together briefly, but now we are just a strange mix of friends/lovers. It takes a toll on me emotionally. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for that brilliant man. I fear fame is changing him though, into something very self absorbed. I think I have come to terms that we can’t be together. I just help him/love him in any way I can.
I do not burden my friends or family with my problems. Ever. I’m also a homeowner. I didn’t finish highschool because of my mental state at the time, but I am currently taking online classes (right now I’m doing English and Math) so I can go to college as a mature student and become an RPN. (practical nurse) I’d like to work in the mental health field. That is of course, if I make it that far. Some days I can’t see past the very moment in front of me.
Sometimes I have difficulty replying to people directly, but it’s definitely not because I don’t care. It’s simply because I’m overwhelmed by their kindness or interest, and I feel there is nothing I could say in return that would do them justice. I struggle to find the words I feel they’re worthy of.
Wishing you all strength and prosperity, always.
This day was harder than the rest. Had a ton more urges to eat than the past two days. I didn’t cave, though. But I DID drink A LOT, and some of the drinks contained calories. I don’t mean a huge number of calories though, maybe 10-20 per serving. So I probably consumed about 80 calories today through liquids, but I’m not going to worry. I got through the day and did okay!
I have to work tomorrow. At work, I’m surrounded by lots of food. Good food. Triggering food. I think I need to devise another plan like I did for today. It worked today. I’m going to bring in my Almond Breeze. It makes coffee taste like heaven and for only about 5 calories per creamer sized serving. I just picked it up today and I feel like it will be a good tool to get through the day. I can make as much coffee as I want. I also have a monster I’m going to bring too, and I’ll use that when I really get the itch.
I’m wired as shit because I’ve been chugging back coffee and energy drinks to stave off cravings. I think I’m actually going to work out. I wasn’t placing much pressure on myself to work out since I am fasting, but I am so fucking fatty and I need to keep up with toning and stretching. I think I’ll do that before I go to bed tonight. It’s 2am already, fucking fuck, but let’s be realistic. I’m not sleeping until at least 4am. Even though I have to work at 10. T__T
I also said I wasn’t going to weigh myself until the end of the fast. Well, I lied. I weighed myself today, three days in.
Good. Down 3lbs since starting. I’m hoping for 120 by Sunday. It’s early Thursday. If I keep this up, it might happen. I will have to start working out too though, because I think I’ve lost all the water weight that is humanly possible at this point. The rest is going to be REAL weight. This is when it counts, baby.
PS. School went really well today. Actually learned something new for once.
Well, I fasted away 50+ hours now. I’m going up and down a lot. It probably has to do with the amount of caffeine I’ve been consuming. I’m peeing constantly, too. Does that mean my systems ‘flushing’ toxins too? Half the day I felt cloudy and tired, the other half I felt clear and wired. Oi. I drank a lot of beverages today because I had more food cravings than I did yesterday. I had sugar free energy drinks (20 calories each) and coffee that’s 5 cals a cup. So I actually have an intake today, though it’s below 100. I’m not going to bother recording it - it still constitutes a fast.
I think tomorrow is going to be rough. I don’t know what compels me to believe this: I Just do. So, I’ve got a plan for day three of this fast. I’m going to take my muscle relaxants tonight, two of them, so it knocks me out nicely. AND, I’m going to smoke a little bit of weed. This should guarantee I sleep for 12 hours. I haven’t slept more than 4 hours in the past two nights and it was very patchy. I’m in need of some sound sleep I believe.
I’m going to wake up two hours before I have to leave for school (3pm). Get ready slowly, have some tea, take an appetite suppressing diet pill, and get through my night course. After, my Mother always likes to grab some fast food of some kind. I will tell her I’m feeling nauseous and chug my water bottle. Yes. I think this is a good plan. Time to go roll that joint.
Catch up with you guys tomorrow!
PS. Still no weigh in, though I’m sure I’ve lost a couple pounds: I’ve been peeing relentlessly! XD
Today I fasted away 24 hours like a cool breeze. I feel good. My head feels clear. Despite being abnormally cold 32 hours in, I’m staying head strong. I didn’t start this fast primarily for weight loss, though it’s obviously one of the reasons I’m doing it. However, I’ve been meditating a lot lately, and I’ve been trying to get in touch with myself and All That Is. I know what fasting does to my mentality, and I thought it could be very beneficial for me right now.
I’m doing a 7 day fast. I’d love love love to go longer, because I feel that I can right now with the state I’m in. But, I’m going away in a week and visiting a good friend in Toronto. One of our main attractions is going to this genuine japanese ramen restaurant. Alas, I will be breaking my fast, and that’s fine. I need to live and enjoy my time with friends.
Tomorrow I’d like to go for a walk downtown and pick up some new flavour of tea. I’ve had ill luck with tea in my 22 years of existence, but I haven’t given up yet, ha-ha.
Do I sound high?
It’s about time that I sleep. I wish I worked out today. I think I will do some stretches before I lay down to sleep. Maybe that will get me in the mood to do some resistence training too.
PS. I’m not weighing myself until after the seven days!
So I skipped a few days of accountability. I didn’t do TOO bad, with the exception of a day with a terrible hangover and an encounter with fast food. I’ve been more depressed than usual lately. I have been sleeping well the past few days but I have pills to thank for that. Today I’m just going to have lots of coffee/diet coke and a pepperoni stick at work. (Been craving one, they’re a real taste sensation)
Total: 250 cals
Weigh in: 130.6lbs
I know at least 2lbs is water weight right now. I’ve been eating salty food and am about to get my period. I’m not going to freak out, yet. Even though I’m suppose to be 5lbs less than I am right now. =__= I need to catch up fast.
Also, I’m excited about this: After Sunday dinner for my brothers 19th birthday, I’m fasting until the next Sunday morning. So, almost a week. I’ve been meditating lately, and I’m thinking fasting as well could be therapeutic for me right now. Not to mention it will be easier than usual since I’m mentally stronger than my norm.
Back to recording everyday now.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Fasting all day. Easier than ever after yesterday’s binge, which I still have boundless self hate for. I have a list of things I need to do today before work:
Intake: 0 calories
Up one pound since yesterday. Fuckity fuck.
Words can’t begin to express my self hate. Wild, ramped, textbook binge at work which lasted all of 5 minutes at noon. Had no other food for the rest of the day. I’m a pathetic piece of shit.
I’m smoking weed and exercising before bed. Then taking lax again. (Third night in a row now…I’m not going to be able to poo without it soon I’m sure) Then tomorrow I’m fasting and taking diuretics all day. Saturday (one day from now) is a very important day. I need to be as thin as humanly possible by then. I BEST be 125. If I’m not, I’ll sweat out whatever weight’s left to lose to reach it. I swear to God my pathetic body is going to hate me by the end.
My skin is such a disaster.
I hate everything pertaining to me.
Just woke-up a couple hours ago. Been cleaning house, and sipping on Hazelnut coffee. My weigh-in was semi-pleasing this morning as I finally got out of the 128.
Total: 1960 calories
****EDIT: ADDED FAST FOOD BINGE TO TOTAL. In between cutting, purging, and exercising til I pass out.
I have three days to lose 2.8lbs in order to reach my dated goal of 125 by this Saturday.
I really wish my skin wasn’t such a mess.
My ex is coming over today to pick up some of his shit. Apparently we’re also going to ‘hang out’. I don’t even like this guy, don’t know why I’m bothering being friends with him. Sex is decent exercise I suppose…hmm. There’s no guilt when the guy’s a fucking abusive, pathetic, failure of a person who’s done nothing but hurt me, right?
I need to nap at some point today though because I have a late night (going to school) and waking up at 4am does not facilitate late nights.
My calorie limit for today is 600. I’ll be surrounded by fast food at supper time. Not looking forward to that predicament.
Thinking about recording my exercise. I do exercise everyday, but I usually get caught up in the moment and don’t really remember how long I did certain things and/or what I did. Think I’ll try scribbling it down after every compulsive work-out.
Woke up early today. Going to Doctor’s at 8am. Then getting my first acupuncture treatement — kind of nervous. Then I’m going to pick up Revlon Colorstay Foundation, and some more fruit.
Update: Got SO much done today. Feels good. Went out for lunch with Mom though and completely spoiled all my progress. Taking lax tonight and diuretics tomorrow just for my sanity. Also going to work out like cray cray in a bit.
Let’s just run down all that I accomplished today:
Damn. I did good today. *wipes brow* (With the exception of my food of course…)
I slept for 15 hours and still feel dreadful. I’m sick, my skin is a mess, and I’m huge…I just…feel the worst. My limbs feel so weak - I can hardly move. Hoping this starts to pass soon. I wasn’t hungry, I was semi-nauseous, but I ate anyway in hopes it would get rid of some of these shitty feelings and give me some more energy. It did help a little.
Total: 710 calories
Weigh in: 128.4lbs
Goal by tomorrow same time in the morning is to see 127lbs.
Calorie allowance for today is 700.
I am extremely suicidal today.
I have my boss to thank as a trigger today.
I don’t know what to do.
I’m stuck in this enormous hole and there’s no way I’m able to get out without a boost from someone. Nobody else is in this hole though, and everyone has made it expressively clear they’re not helping. There’s literally no way out alone like this.
Total: 1280 calories
I feel strange today. Was suppose to go for coffee with Jerry, but I cancelled. I have to work at 6, and it’s almost 3 now. Hopefully I get through my shift tonight without any food. Coffee, coffee, coffee. I’m putting a pot on as soon as I get there. (I work at a bar)
Going to work out before I have to go in…if I can pick my ass up off this chair.
Total: 915 calories
Morning Weigh-In: 130.2lbs
Only one week left to reach my next goal…I’d have to lose 5lbs in 7 days. On the plus side, I know I’m bloated right now. I’m taking some duirex tonight. If I can keep my intake down today, I should be at least 129.0 by tomorrow.
So there’s this amazing guy who’s got a huge crush on me. He’s extremely successful, smart, and one of the most sincere gentlemen out there. (The catch, he’s not that attractive and he’s double my age…not that that REALLY matters) Anyway, he brought me a huuuuuge plateful of amazing food, most of which was deep fried, to my work. It was the sweetest thing, and we had a kind of mini-date thing at the dead bar I work at. However, he totally fucked up my plans for today. I wanted to eat only fruits and vegetables, and after all that effort he put into making up this dish, I couldn’t deny him. So now I have towork my fat ass out tonight like cray cray even though I’m exhausted.
Fried Chicken: 600
Mars Bar: 260
Total: 2160 calories
HOLY FUCKING HELL THOSE CROQUETTES ARE OUTRAGEOUS. Working out feels pointless at this point when dealing with this huge of number. I’ll do one hour then say to hell with it. I’m ODing on lax right now.
Tomorrow, I sleep, fast, and get through work with large quantities of coffee.
Morning weigh-in: 130.2lbs
It’s been two weeks…the total I’ve lost is 3.2lbs. That’s pathetic.
I have 7 days to lose 5 more pounds in order to reach my next goal weight on time.
FUCKIN DO IT.
Woke up stupidly early. Couldn’t get back to sleep. So I’m doing today on about an hour of sleep.
I have school tonight. Going early to get some groceries and stuff.
Here’s my list:
Woke up early (7:30am) and couldn’t sleep anymore. This is strange because I took muscle relaxants last night before I went to bed. Normally they wipe me right out for 12 hours. I must be getting used to them.
Total: 2725 calories
EDIT: FUCKING HELL. Textbook binge. I hate myself.
Tomorrow is February. I will not fuck this month up. No. Under 500 all month. And go!
Morning weigh-in: 129.8lbs
I peed a lot throughout the night, finally. I knew I had lots of water retension. My goal by tomorrow is 128.8lbs or lower.
This coffee is too hot. :(